Semen /ˈsēmən/ (noun) A viscid whitish fluid of the male reproductive tract consisting of spermatozoa (sperm) suspended in secretions of accessory glands
Secret /ˈsē-krət/ (noun) Something kept hidden or unexplained: a mystery
Truth /ˈtrüth/ (noun) The body of real things, events, and facts: Actuality; the state of being the case: Fact
Confession /kən-ˈfe-shən/ (noun) A written or oral acknowledgment of guilt by a party accused of an offense
I define these four words as they outline the events of our infertility journey. The Semen—that was the catalyst that started it all. The Secrets of the semen turned out to be lies we told ourselves about how this whole idea of conception and becoming parents were supposed to work. The Truths are what I learned once I discovered the lies, and the Confessions are my reflections of the journey where I had to own my truth. I found that the Semen Secrets forced me to deal with more than just infertility—they forced me to deal with me.
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I
AM
NOT
TJ PEYTEN
TJ and Peyten are the names I want to give my children. I refrain from using the past tense, “wanted,” because I still hold on to the hope that my husband and I will achieve our dream of becoming parents.
I write as TJ Peyten because it is the desire to conceive them that led to the discovery of the “Semen Secrets.” If it were not for our longing to bring them into this world, there would be no story to tell. I chose to write with a pen name because our story is still ongoing, our struggle is still an everyday event, and we’re still learning to cope with these Secrets and the Truths they have revealed.
As for me, I am like almost all married women who desire to conceive a child with her husband. My husband and I are like many married couples trying to navigate life, love, and marriage one day at a time.
I have written thousands of stories in my journal over the years, but this is the first one I’ve been brave enough to share with the world. In sharing my story, I hope that I can help someone else who is struggling to accept the unacceptable.